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Ivy VS Orchid
Episode 29, Season 2
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Air date September 13th, 2013
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Ivy VS Orhcid is the twenty-ninth episode of Death Battle featuring fighting game femme fatales Soul Calibur's Ivy Valentine and Killer Instinct's Black Orchid.

Description

Screwattack & Youtube

Episode 29 - Soulcalibur VS Killer Instinct! The ultimate battle to decide who has the most powerful boobs in gaming! Yes, you read that right.

Interlude

(*Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston*)

Wiz: When it comes to the tantalizing femme fatale, these two combatants are the pinnacle of beauty and brawn... not to mention well endowed.

Boomstick: Ivy from Soul Calibur...

Wiz: ...And...

Boomstick: *interrupting* ...Black Orchid from Killer Instinct!  Sorry, I'm excited!

Wiz: I'm Wiz and he's Boomstick and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Ivy Valentine

(*Cues: Unblessed Soul (Ivy's Theme) - Soul Calibur*)

Ivy: Behave. Behave!

Wiz: Left on the doorstep of a London mansion, the infant Isabella was adopted and raised by the noble house of Valentine.

Boomstick: Little did they know she'd grow up to be this deadly dominatrix. Oh-ho, daddy must be so proud.

Wiz: Well, he's dead, so there's that. Both her father and mother died while searching for the legendary Soul Edge, leaving Isabella, or Ivy, as their sole legacy. Her only remaining parent is her birth father, the pirate Cervantes... who is a zombie... sometimes.

Boomstick: Well then, good call on the baby dumpster donation. Zombie pirates don´t make good fathers. Believe me, I know.

Wiz: ...What?

Boomstick: Ivy also has some awfully great, uhuhuhum... magic.

Wiz: Her father was a skilled alchemist, and Ivy took up his research to find and destroy Soul Edge. She taught herself summoning and alchemy rituals, which she used to forge her unique sword: the Valentine.

(*Cues: Without the Blessing of Fate - Soul Calibur V*)

Boomstick: The Valentine is an extendable snake sword with a stupid name. It should've been called "Deadly as Fuck", since it works just like a normal sword, but with a flick of Ivy's wrist, it turns into a nine-meter long whip of blades. It can be used in all sorts of ways, even a stealthy underground attack.

Wiz: It is also sentient, with a mind of its own. Ivy accomplished this by summoning the hand of Nightmare, which breathed life into the sword.

Boomstick: Wait, hold on. How does a hand breathe, exactly?

Wiz: Of all I've talked abut, that is what you question? Anyway, since Nightmare is Soul Edge personified, this ironically joined Ivy's own fate to the very abomination she seeks to destroy. Whoops.

Boomstick: I'd like to join Ivy's fate, if you know what I'm saying!

WIz: This curse bounded Ivy's blood to the immortal Soul Edge so thoroughly her body actually stopped aging.

Boomstick: Um, actually Wiz, what I think is happening here is that her age is getting stored in her enormous rack. I mean, they just keep getting bigger and bigger as time goes by!

Wiz: Well, you never know with magic.

(*Cues: Soul Calibur II - Maze of the Blade*)

Wiz: Ivy is skilled with all her sword's forms, but long-range combat is her bread and butter. She is very good at controlling the battlefield with wide whip swings, powerful kicks, and precision strikes.

Boomstick: I mean, let's be honest, who would really want to use that thing as a normal sword?

Wiz: She has spent most of her life seeking and destroying anything remotely related to Soul Edge, innocent or otherwise, which will eventually include herself, when all is said and done.

Wiz: But despite having one of Soul Calibur's deadliest move sets, she has a rather spotty win/loss record.

Boomstick: Don't they make pads for that?

Wiz: Still, she has defeated countless foes and accomplished impressive feats.

Boomstick: Like kicking a point-blank bullet out of the air! Damn, that's fast!

Wiz: Well, more so insanely accurate instinct. Presumably, she's using the weight of her above-average-sized breasts as momentum to increase her speed.

Boomstick: If that's a real martial art, I'm going to find it, and then teach it.

Wiz: Ivy is a warrior who uses everything at her disposal.

Ivy: You're in need of some discipline!

Ivy grabs onto Natsu and launches her into the air while holding her in place with alchemy.

Ivy: I'll teach you to behave!

Ivy sends pieces of Valentine through Natsu before combining them together, slamming her down to the ground, then reattaching them to her sword.

Ivy: Satisfied?

Black Orchid

(*Cues: Black Orchid's Theme - Killer Instinct SNES*)

Orchid delivers a 19 hit combo to Cinder

Annoncer: Killer Combo!

Wiz: The government spy code-named Black Orchid is a complete mystery. Her past, training and real name are so secret not even she knows most of it.

Boomstick: How the hell does that work?!

Wiz: What we do know is, she's a killer.

(*Cues: Killer Instinct - Orchid Theme*)

Wiz: Among her limited history, she is confirmed to be sister to Jago, a prominent fighter from Tibet. Orchid's origin must share similarities, so she is most likely a practitioner of Chinese martial arts such as kung fu.

(*Cues: Killer Instinct 2 - Kim Wu Theme*)

Boomstick: Orchid's weapons of choice are heavy Chinese tonfa... made of lasers!

Wiz: Apparently whoever she works for has figured out how to make light sabers; and Orchid wielded these early in her career before upgrading to laser tonfa.

Boomstick: Tonfa are short and strong, designed for quick damage, perfect for Orchid since she is incredibly skilled in fast, close-range combat. Her other set of weapons are called T.N.A..

Wiz: Well, actually...

Boomstick: I mean, just look at what she's wearing! It's not as if she trying to hide anything! Man, I wish I was that jumpsuit.

Wiz: *clears throat* Orchid prefers speed over strength, with quick rapid strikes. Some moves even defy physics.

Boomstick: What is she, some sort of witch?

Wiz: Absolutely! Orchid´s best weapon is her trove of spells. Most useful is the Fire Cat, a transfiguration spell which morphs her body into an intangible feline of flame.

Boomstick: Aww, I wanna pet her! But I can't... cause... you know... the burning...

(*Cues: Killer Instinct - Main Theme*)

Wiz: She also uses magic in here No Mercies, finishers which can be used after an enemy is weakened. When not using her tonfa to incinerate people, she can transform them into a helpless frog.

Boomstick: Smash 'em! Smash 'em! YES!!

Wiz: But she has one more weapon in her arsenal... or rather two:

Boomstick: Her Fun Bags of Destruction! And you just thought I was being a pig earlier, but really whipping out the girls causes an instant heart attack to whoever views them.

Orchid zips open her vest and reveals her breasts (off-screen) to T.J. Combo, who then falls over dead.

TJ Combo: Whoah!

Orchid: Yeah!

Boomstick: I now know the way I want to die.

Wiz: I never thought I'd see a lethal set of mammery glands

Boomstick: But you'd think it'd only work on people, right? NOPE! Her super-boobs can kill humans, robots, aliens, a dinosaur, and even a walking skeleton who's missing the one bone that matters.

Wiz: There is only one possible explanation for this. Her breasts must be so impossibly, unnaturally large that no brain can process the shock of seeing them. Even while female brains are immune to the sexual shock, they will grudgingly forfeit out of jealousy.

Boomstick: Heh-heh! Oh, she'll be crying into a tub of ice cream tonight!

Wiz: Black Orchid entered the first Killer Instinct tournament, intent to take down the evil UltraTech corporation from within.

Boomstick: While she had some trouble with ranged characters, she eventually defeated the 2,000-year-old, and might I add, CHEAP-AS-HELL WARLORD Eyedol, winning her the whole tournament.

Wiz: Orchid is clearly a force to be reckoned with.

Orchid unleashes a 37-hit Ultra Combo on Fulgore.

Announcer: ULTRAAAAAAAAAA COMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Orchid: Yeah!

Death Battle

(*Cues: Going To Where The Wind Blows - Soul Calibur*)

Ivy is standing on a platform atop a large body of water when Orchid jumps down from an off-screen helicopter. Ivy leaps backward.

Ivy: Get lost!

FIGHT!

(*Cues: The Book of Ivy - fan remix of No Turning Back - Soul Calibur II*)

Orchid fires two tonfa blasts at Ivy, who knocks them away with the Valentine, then uses her sword to unleash long-range attacks on Orchid, who blocks them with her tonfa. Orchid then uses Fire Cat to phase through another Valentine attack and lunges toward Ivy, unleashing a Master Combo on her, ending with a fiery knee knocking Ivy into the air.

KI Announcer: Master Combo!

Ivy lands and blocks an aerial kick by Orchid, catching her off-guard and allowing her to unleash a combo of her own. After kicking Orchid away, she catches her with the Valentine, then holds her by the throat with it while putting her foot on her.

Ivy: Does it hurt?

Orchid uses Fire Cat to evade it and moves further back. Ivy uses the Valentine, but Orchid catches it with her tonfa, pulls Ivy towards her, then kicks her in the stomach. She then unleashes Heart Attack on Ivy. Ivy is unaffected and laughs, then proceeds to do the same to her opponent. Orchid, struck by her opponent's breast size, throws down her tonfa in frustration and jealousy.

(*Cues: Eyedol's Theme - Killer Instinct*)

Ivy uses the opening to attack, but after landing a few hits, Orchid uses a Combo Breaker to reverse it before Ivy catches her tonfa with the Valentine.

KI Announcer: C-C-C-Combo Breaker!

Ivy strikes Orchid into the air, then uses her alchemy to hold her in place. 

Ivy: Spread apart!

Ivy then unleashes Grand Alchemy, sending Valentine's pieces through Orchid, who then falls to the ground, dazed.

Ivy: Is that it?

(*Cues: Killer Instinct - Prog Metal Remix *)

Ivy sends Valentine through the ground to finish her opponent, but Orchid uses Fire Cat to avoid it, then unleashes an Ultra Combo on Ivy, ending with the two in mid-air as Orchid kicks her away.

KI Announcer: ULTRAAAAAAAAAA COMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

As Ivy is about to hit the ground, Orchid uses Shocker before she hits the ground, keeping her stunned when she finally lands. Orchid walks up to the stunned Ivy and then transforms her into a frog with her tonfa before jumping on Ivy, squishing her.

Orchid: Yeah!

K.O.!

Ivy is shown twitching in her frog form before dying as Orchid stands atop a platform nearby. When Jago jumps behind her, Orchid turns around and uses Heart Attack, presumably killing him as he falls off the platform into the water below.

Results

(*Cues: Killer Instinct (2013) - Character Selection Theme*)

Boomstick: I feel sorry for the guy that has to clean that up.

Wiz: Orchid's an unstoppable force. Her win against Eyedol proves her incredible fighting abilities. See, 2,000 years ago, not even the most powerful armies in the world could take down Eyedol, and yet Orchid did so singlehandedly.

Boomstick: But since Ivy's jugs are so wonderfully huge, Orchid's flash finisher was meaningless.

Wiz: Ivy's cup size is officially charted as G or quadruple-D. By measuring Orchid's waist and chest to scale, it appears hers are sized F, or triple-D, one size smaller than Ivy's.

Boomstick: Oh, I have an extra D I could've given her.

Wiz: Too late. Besides, the fight ultimately came down to long-range vs. short-range combat. While Orchid has no equivalent to Ivy's Snake Sword, her Fire Cat can get in close by passing through attacks.

Boomstick: And tonfa are designed to block attacks and get in close. Once Orchid's in, there's no stopping her.

Wiz: Plus, Ivy has no means of countering Orchid's transfigurations. Even her link to Soul Edge is useless, since it does not pertain to other magic.

Boomstick: It was a good fight, but in the end, Ivy croaked.

Wiz: The winner is Black Orchid.

Trivia

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